I know I must, then why is it so hard to do it? What must I do? Praise the LORD, that’s my mandate, but I am slain in overwhelming disappointment. I thought that after I battled cancer my life would be restored. Instead, I lay in destruction.
I am fighting my fear, disappointment, and hopelessness. You see, I did something the world would say was crazy. After not being able to work last year, I closed a large account, in anticipation of spending it on my crushing debt. After an extended fast, God said, “Do you trust me?”
I emphatically answered with a resounding YES! What He told me to do next, rocked me to my core, “Give me all that you have.” I had thousands of dollars in my account, earmarked for debt, and God was asking me to give it all to Him.
With shaking hands, I trusted Him, and wrote the check out for everything I had.
I rested in the glorious verses, Malachi 3:10-11
Bring the full tithe into the storehouse, so that there may be food in My house. Test Me in this,” says the LORD of Hosts. “See if I will not open the floodgates of heaven and pour out for you blessing without measure. 11I will rebuke the devourer for you, so that it will not destroy the fruits of your land, and the vine in your field will not fail to produce fruit,” says the LORD of Hosts.…
38Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you.”
Admittedly, I was getting excited with expectation of how He would use this extraordinary gift. What came next rocked my world and left me spiraling in despair.
First, my sweet aged horse went into a severe colic and double pneumonia. The vet bill crushed me. Next, we were hit with a tax bill of $13,000. Then our two-month-old refrigerator stopped working, and because it is under a warranty, Sears said they can’t come out for nine days. All our food spoiled. My tractor stopped working and now it is in the shop. Everywhere I looked was destruction.
Maybe I will be laugh at these calamities someday, but right now it is raw. I cried out to God, and proclaimed the verses of hope, prosperity, and all that is afforded to a believer in Jesus. My faith is faltering, my strength failing, and my hope is thread bare. Then I thought about it all, God is God of my life. Even this period of wilderness will bear much fruit. I am learning that my circumstances are temporary, He is forever.
I got my praise music on and literally laid on the floor, tears streaming down my face. My big fluffy dogs trying to comfort me. I did not care, I was going to lay there until He changed my heart from despair to hope. If He gives me nothing, I am still going to praise Him for saving this sorry soul from the pit of hell. I will smile in the face of defeat, because God is working it all out for my good, even when I wish His “good” was my kind of good. My Father is a good God, and He loves me too much to leave me in this wretched place.
I repeat out loud, as if it were a battle cry. “I am your daughter! You are my God, and I will serve You no matter how bad it looks! Have mercy O Great God!”
Immediately, my heart is restored, hope floods in, and I know that He will bring good gifts, I only need to hold onto hope.
Are you in the valley of despair? Let me pray for you, please just put your name in the comment box.