We Need More Tests

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I have met all the milestones.

Surgery- check

Chemotherapy- check

Radiation- check

Port taken out- check

Final tests- not checked

But the last and most important milestone am I CANCER FREE?  I’m ready in the paper thin gown. These are the tests that will prove I don’t have cancer.

“Jill, we need you to wait for the results, please sit here,” and the harried technician is off with another patient and I can’t breathe.

Fifteen minutes….thirty minutes….forty-five minutes….an hour….an hour and fifteen… I cannot take it any more. I text my husband “THIS IS NOT GOOD 1 HOUR AND STILL NO NEWS!!!!”

“Jill, please come with me,” the same technician is leading me to a narrow hallway.

This is not my first time going where I do not want to go.

“Why am I going with you?” I snarl.

“We need more pictures, we are using a special machine. We can do a biopsy today if we need to,” she is still walking unaware that I’m ten-feet behind her and I am not moving.

“I’m not doing this!” I almost scream. Incredulously I think, God, you only gave me one month? I CAN’T!  I WON’T DO THIS AGAIN!

She stands in shock. Then I begin to sob uncontrollably. My careful exterior shell of I-GOT-THIS-ATTITUDE crumbles like sand. I’m spiraling into an abyss of despair.

“Let’s just go in and get the pics done, I’m sure it will be ok,” she hands me a tissue while propping the door open with her foot.  She motions with her body for me to come, but she doesn’t realize I cannot move.

I’ve heard of paralyzingly fear, but I have never experienced it until now.

“Please, Mrs.Mansor, we need to get these pics done,” she doesn’t know how to handle me.

I somehow gather strength, but it is like an out of body experience.  The tests complete and I practically slump to the floor, weak and feeble.

I grab the box of tissues as she takes me to a consulting room.  I can’t even pray.  I sob unabashedly.

Thirty minutes later, a broad smile draped across the technicians face and I know what she is going to say, “NO CANCER!”

I hug her hard.  I can’t get out of there fast enough, I am suddenly very exhausted.

My life as I have known it will never be the same.  Fear is a liar and disappointed that I even gave it a foothold.  One thing I do know is that I’m living everyday like it is my last.

 

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