My Crown Was A Little Crooked

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Have you ever had a time in your life when no one would know you were a Christian?  Because there is no way a Christian should be acting or thinking like that!

It happened! Yup, it was yesterday and I’m still cleaning up my aftermath.

It wasn’t pretty and it sure wasn’t Christ-like. After a good smack down from God, I straightened my crown and walked out of the trash heap of my sinfulness.

“My grace is sufficient” He said.  Thanking God for His everlasting faithfulness and love for a wretch like me.

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We Need More Tests

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I have met all the milestones.

Surgery- check

Chemotherapy- check

Radiation- check

Port taken out- check

Final tests- not checked

But the last and most important milestone am I CANCER FREE?  I’m ready in the paper thin gown. These are the tests that will prove I don’t have cancer.

“Jill, we need you to wait for the results, please sit here,” and the harried technician is off with another patient and I can’t breathe.

Fifteen minutes….thirty minutes….forty-five minutes….an hour….an hour and fifteen… I cannot take it any more. I text my husband “THIS IS NOT GOOD 1 HOUR AND STILL NO NEWS!!!!”

“Jill, please come with me,” the same technician is leading me to a narrow hallway.

This is not my first time going where I do not want to go.

“Why am I going with you?” I snarl.

“We need more pictures, we are using a special machine. We can do a biopsy today if we need to,” she is still walking unaware that I’m ten-feet behind her and I am not moving.

“I’m not doing this!” I almost scream. Incredulously I think, God, you only gave me one month? I CAN’T!  I WON’T DO THIS AGAIN!

She stands in shock. Then I begin to sob uncontrollably. My careful exterior shell of I-GOT-THIS-ATTITUDE crumbles like sand. I’m spiraling into an abyss of despair.

“Let’s just go in and get the pics done, I’m sure it will be ok,” she hands me a tissue while propping the door open with her foot.  She motions with her body for me to come, but she doesn’t realize I cannot move.

I’ve heard of paralyzingly fear, but I have never experienced it until now.

“Please, Mrs.Mansor, we need to get these pics done,” she doesn’t know how to handle me.

I somehow gather strength, but it is like an out of body experience.  The tests complete and I practically slump to the floor, weak and feeble.

I grab the box of tissues as she takes me to a consulting room.  I can’t even pray.  I sob unabashedly.

Thirty minutes later, a broad smile draped across the technicians face and I know what she is going to say, “NO CANCER!”

I hug her hard.  I can’t get out of there fast enough, I am suddenly very exhausted.

My life as I have known it will never be the same.  Fear is a liar and disappointed that I even gave it a foothold.  One thing I do know is that I’m living everyday like it is my last.

 

Early Morning Walks With the LORD

“Jill, you must build up your knee. There’s only one way to do it, with lots of walking!” My orthopedic doctor gently patted my shoulder.

At first, walking was an exercise that was as extreme as climbing Mt. Everest. A shredded meniscus and torn ligaments on top of fighting cancer, it seemed impossible, but my stubborn desire to reclaim my life was as strong as iron. I was determined to climb this “Mt  Everest” everyday.

I went from 50 yards to 5 miles within six months. Every morning, rain, sleet, snow or heat, I’m walking. I have found this time almost cathartic. It is where I talk to God, memorize scripture, organize my day, and even record my thoughts.

It is pitch black out, so no one can see my hands raised in praise or hear me singing. I enjoy the anonymity of being cloaked in the early morning mist while my neighbors sleep.

I pause every morning to hear the two owls speaking to one another in the forest, or to watch the incredibly cute beaver peek out from his lair in the pond across the street. It is during these early morning walks that I get to see the deer romping in the corn field, the foxes running full-tilt to their dens, an eagle family teaching the fine art of finding food to their children. I’ve even come to appreciate the tenacity of an almost all-white skunk who likes to stand in my path daring me to come near, and I especially enjoy the big fluffy raccoon that slowly saunters by me without a care in the world.

And everyday as the sun begins to rise, I stand in silent respect and awe of the beauty God has allowed me to see.

Thank you Lord for saving my life from cancer and allowing me one more day to praise the KING OF KINGS AND LORD OF LORDS!

Who else takes early morning walks?